Truck Hauling Wine Crashes in Wisconsin; Driver Suspected of Being Drunk

Sadly, this one hardly even feels worthy of being put up–but in reading up more about Why Is Wisconsin So Drunk, came across this article, which just struck me as…typical.

On Saturday, September 17th, a semi truck was reported weaving all over the road & shoulder on I-94 just outside of Eau Claire, Wisconsin (just under 2 hours to the Dells). The truck crashed onto its side, and several motorists stopped and helped the driver, David A. Johnson of Grantsburg, Wisconsin (just under 4 hours to the Dells) out of the cab.

Johnson logically proceeded to run into a nearby field, where four people and a trooper apprehended him. He has a prior conviction for driving drunk.

Which makes you wonder how he got a gig driving a truck that was delivering wine, of all things…but maybe that’s just a part of Why Wisconsin is So Drunk.

Why is Wisconsin So Drunk?

In quasi-news that will undoubtedly please a significant percentage of the citizens of Wisconsin, someone in the /r/dataisbeautiful subreddit recently posted a map of the US & Canada with the top 3 Google Autocomplete searches for each state/province answering the question ‘Why is [state/province] so [blank]?’ and Wisconsin appears to be the only state that had ‘Drunk’ rank in the top 3.

To attempt simplify that for any readers who might be a little slow, users of Google type in ‘Why is Wisconsin so Drunk?’ as a question more frequently than any other ‘Why is Wisconsin so [blank]?’ question, with the exception of ‘Why is Wisconsin so Humid?’.

If you still don’t get it, just click the link above.

And to be fair, the question of humidity seems to show up in a significant number of states around the country. Coming up third?  ‘Why is Wisconsin so Cold?’

For comparison, Minnesota also had Cold and Humid (as their top two phrases), but had ‘Why is Minnesota so Great?’ as the third ranked question. And Illinois, possibly the only state that Wisconsites probably hate more than Minnesota?  Their top three were Broke, Flat and Democratic.

Police Arrest Couple for Child Neglect After Clown Prank

Police in Menasha, Wisconsin, arrested a 29-year old man and 26-year old woman for leaving their 4-year old daughter home alone, presumably while the child was asleep over night (that’s purely speculation on my part).

And why would they leave the child at home? To go clowning, of course.

Shortly before 3am on the morning of October 7th, Menasha police responded to a 911 call reporting that individuals in clown masks were chasing cars–because that’s apparently a thing.

The officers confronted two men, and also found the 26-year old woman nearby in a parked vehicle, having been driving the clowns around. No word on the size of the clown car.

The child was placed by the Department of Human Services outside of the home. The parents have been referred to court on charges of child neglect.

Packer Fans Respond Well to Vikings Hot Start

36-year old Dave Moschel must have a certain amount of masochist to him–or at least he’s a glutton for punishment. He is a rarity–a Minnesota Vikings fan, living in Wisconsin. Actually, he’s rare than just that–he’s a Viking fan willing to proudly display his fandom, outside his home in Stoughton, Wisconsin (just a little over an hour from the Dells).

Moschel was watching his Vikings dispatch the Houston Texans on October 9th, when he heard noises outside, where his Vikings inflatable was proudly…inflated. He walked outside and discovered a 21-year old stabbing the decoration with a box cutter.

He attempted to stop the suspect, at which point, it logically turned violent–and Moschel was stabbed several times. He was taken to the hospital, where he received stitches on his forehead and under his eye. Pics can be seen here.

Police say the alleged attacker was arrested at the scene on suspicion of first-degree reckless endangerment and criminal damage to property.

Moschel has since been invited to a future Vikings practice and a game, has repaired the inflatable and promises to blow it up every day of the week moving forward.

And of course, at least one person on the /r/wisconsin subreddit has already just assumed that there was more provoking behavior than being a fan of the “wrong” team…


Man Cuts off Woman’s Finger, Drinks Blood…Woman Doesn’t Want to be Labeled Victim

Maybe it’s just me, but I’m not sure I’d ever consider a music group worth this.

In what police are calling a possible initiation ritual related to a “cult” that follows a local rap group styled after Insane Clown Posse (which is about all you need to know), a 24-year old Suamico man cut a 27-year old woman’s arm with a machete, filled a shot glass with her blood, and drank it as a tribute to a friend who had passed away (I’m sure from completely natural causes).

Jonathan Colbern Schrap then proceeded to chop her left pinky finger off with the machete (two hacks, not one…get a sharper blade, man), and put it in his freezer, saying they would get together again to cook and eat it.

It was at this point that the group that was assembled at Schrap’s residence realized that her injury was severe–so logically, they try to cauterize the wound, with a cigarette lighter first, then a blowtorch like device.

When neither worked, the loaded her into Schrap’s truck to take her…to her boyfriend’s apartment.

That’s right–not the hospital. And she had a boyfriend that wasn’t even a part of this escapade–which makes me think he may want to re-think things.

The woman was then finally taken to the hospital by her boyfriend and his mother. Police said Schrap denied involvement in the incident, but police later found a machete, blood, bleach and a torch inside his residence–the finger had been given to someone else to dispose of.

The woman told an officer “the process of attempting to cauterize had caused her far more pain than the actual finger being severed,” but she “did not want to be considered a victim of this incident as she had voluntarily wanted to get her finger severed.” She also claimed to not have been drinking…or using drugs.

Schrap remains in the county jail on felony charges of mayhem and second-degree reckless injury, both as party to a crime.  He is scheduled for a preliminary hearing today (Sept. 21).

Bowling Ball Cannon Kills Horse; Charges Filed

Another one that I just don’t quite know how I missed it…

Lisa Kroll felt her house shake on July 4th of last year, and assumed it was neighbors lighting off fireworks. When she went to her barn the next day, she found out it was something…slightly different.

In her barn, she discovered a bowling ball had gone through the roof–and apparently struck a 10-month old horse in the head and killed it. She found six more bowling balls and three bowling pins in her field. Estimated damages to the barn were $4,000, and the horse was valued at $10,000.

Turns out, one of her neighbors had a little get together, which included a guest bringing a homemade cannon, from which they shot a total of 10 bowling balls and 10 bowling pins out of. For ‘merica.

He admitted that he had shot the cannon, and was sorry that the ordinance made it to Kroll’s property–nearly a half mile away. Still, Ricky Thorne of Spring Valley, Wisconsin, is lucky that he only faced charges of recklessly endangering safety and negligent handling of a weapon–Kroll had guests sleeping in campers outside the barn.

St. Croix County Attorney Eric Johnson said in 34 years of prosecuting cases, it was the first time he had a case of someone shooting bowling balls out of a cannon–although, likely not the first cannon related incident he’s seen.

Couple Held Hostage…by Cat

Details are a bit sparse on this one right now, but a couple weeks back (Friday, June 17th to be exact), a Milwaukee area couple called 911 to report that they were being held hostage…by their cat.

“This is going to sound like a strange question, but we have a cat and it’s going crazy and it’s attacked my husband, we’re kind of hostages in our own house.

“We’re just wondering who we should call to do something, get rid of the cat, or help us.”

No one was hurt in the incident…except maybe the cat, who was turned over to Milwaukee Area Domestic Animal Control Commission (MADACC). And before you PETA folks get all mad and threaten to burn down the MADACC, that’s rampant speculation on my part–for all I know, they sent little Garfield on to terrorize another family.

Parents Arrested for Teaching Child to Drive

Deputies in western Wisconsin arrested a 32 year old woman and her 36 year old boyfriend for teaching her daughter to drive.

Just because her daughter was nine years old. And they were both more than twice the legal limit. And there was a toddler in the vehicle.

Drivers along a rural road near Amery, Wisconsin, called in reports of seeing a truck swerving. Deputies found the truck at a boat launch along the Apple River, where they prevented the truck from rolling on to the ice.

The officers took the family first to the hospital–the woman had suffered a laceration on her hand, reportedly while snowmobiling–where she continued to swear, swing and kick at them. The couple was then taken to jail, while the kids were placed with other family members.

When questioned about the 9-year old driving, the child’s mother reportedly told police that she was just practicing her driving, noting that “[Children] used to in the 1950s.”

Never mind that she was born in the early to mid 80’s.

The couple now faces felony charges for recklessly endangering safety and child neglect–but they are not being charged with DWI.

Christmas Music Ruins Black Sabbath Holiday Party

I must have missed this one with all the talk of Making a Murderer and the supposed issues in Manitowoc County.

Christopher Gamboeck was having a drink or three over the holidays at the Farm Tavern Bar (and yes, it appears to be a bar that is themed like a farm…amazingly in the capital city of Wisconsin), when the bartender decided that they needed more of a Christmas atmosphere, rather than the Black Sabbath music he was listening to.

The logical reaction, of course, when someone turns off Black Sabbath, would be to down your beer, swear at her, and then throw the bottle at the bartender’s head. Followed of course by trying to get behind the bar (to change the music back?), and on your way out the door, pulling down a Christmas tree breaking ornaments.

Don’t forget to top it off by getting arrested, make “gender based obscenities” at a female police officer, and be charged with disorderly conduct and criminal damage to property charges.

Pretty standard Christmas in Wisconsin.

Possibly the best part of the story? This review, posted on their Facebook page after the incident:

If anything, that bartender deserves to be arrested for insulting rock and roll royalty/gods.

This is why Russia thinks we’re pussies. This is why we can’t have nice things.