Bringing Back Road Beers

In yet another story that the headline made me think Wisconsin, a lawmaker in Montana is trying to repeal the ban on road beers in his state.

Not for drivers, mind you–but for passengers.

House Rep. Daniel Zolnikov (R-Billings, approximately 14 hours, 39 minutes from the Dells), sponsored the bill.

“The argument was made — how about if it tempts the driver?” Zolnikov said. “That’s like saying (designated drivers) shouldn’t go to bars in case they’re tempted to have a drink. Where is the self-responsibility? This isn’t allowing for people to drink and drive, it’s allowing a passenger to have a beer.”

Zolnikov is a 29 year old from Roundup, Montana (14 hours, 50 minutes from the Dells), meaning he was roughly 18 years old when Montana passed a statewide open container ban in 2005.

While the bill has been debated, the next hearing has not yet been scheduled.

Grilled Cheese Violence is a Thing in 2017

So far, 2017 has seen Grilled Cheese Violence in the news more than I’ve seen in…the 39 years I’ve been on the earth. And the only real surprise is that only one of the two stories happened in Wisconsin.

A man in Brookfield, Wisconsin (1 hour, 45 minutes from the Dells) was arrested on January 9th for pulling a gun on, attempting to sexually assault and holding a woman against her will–after the woman refused to eat a grilled sandwich he made her.

The victim apparently went to Justin Hasting’s home after receiving a Snapchat message, and upon arrival asked for a grilled cheese sandwich, as he was cooking. She claims he then pulled a small black pistol and pressed it against her forehead, and attempted to sexually assault her.

His version–she refused to eat the grilled cheese he made her, so he admits he pulled the gun–but he said it was a pellet gun, which he had emptied in front of her earlier.

Hastings faces one count of attempted first degree sexual assault/use of a dangerous weapon and one count of false imprisonment.

Meanwhile, in other grilled cheese violence news–a man in Baltimore, Maryland, is facing attempted murder charges after firing multiple rounds through the basement floor of his house (as in, he was in the basement) while his wife was making dinner. The reason? She had taken a bite out of his grilled cheese sandwich.

When she checked on him, he had surrounded himself with guns & ammunition–which, of course he was barred from owning, due to prior assault convictions. This led to a 3-hour standoff with police.

Apparently, people are making more extravagant grilled cheese than I make.

Man Arrested for Belly Flopping…onto Cars

In the grand scheme of things, this story certainly isn’t that big of a deal–it’s surprising that it actually got coverage on a (fairly) sizable, regional news site.

A 25-year-old man from Kimberly, Wisconsin (2 hours, 1 minute from the Dells) was arrested on New Year’s Eve for belly flopping onto the windshield of a police car. The incident was caught on their dash cam.

The officers where in the area responding to reports of a man…jumping on cars. Sometimes, the crooks just don’t make it difficult on you.

The man, who police reported had been drinking (NO!), was treated for minor injuries at the hospital, and was being held at the Winnebago County jail and multiple charges are pending. The officers were also treated for minor injuries suffered from arresting the suspect–no word on whether they were sore abs from laughing at the suspect.

Pilot Congratulates Football Fans on Flight

A pilot flying a plane full of predominantly football fans from one city into the city that their team was playing last week jumped on the PA system to congratulate the fans for consuming ALL of the alcohol on the plane.

The surprising part of the story? The flight originated from Oakland, not Green Bay.

Then again, I’m guessing most Packer fans would prefer to drive to road games–especially in Kansas City–so they can bring their own cooler along, and make sure that they’ve got their preferred brand on hand…despite what this article says (link). I swear, I thought drinking Bud products in Wisconsin was as popular as drinking Pepsi in Atlanta, or drinking Miller products in St. Louis.

Texas School Lives Green Bay Dream

OK, maybe I’m a bit harsh on Wisconsin at times…and I’m not totally sure that this one qualifies, even in the “Shocked It’s Not Wisconsin” category. But what the hell, not that many people read the site (yet) anyway.

The school district in Katy, Texas (approximately 18 hours & 27 minutes from the Dells) achieved something that I’m guessing many in Green Bay (and surrounding areas) probably wouldn’t even bat an eye at, in spending $12 million of a budget surplus on upgrades to a football stadium that is under construction, while ignoring over crowding in their elementary schools.

Voters had previously approved an incredible $58 million to build a new football stadium, the most expensive in the United States. With little fanfare, the school board added another $9 million to the budget, and finally added another $3 million to correct issues that were made in the planning process of the stadium–it was this latest sum that finally drew the attention of the media.

Meanwhile, the district is in desperate need of more space in their schools, with district COO estimating that they may need four elementary schools, two junior highs and a high school added to the district. A recently opened elementary school opened in the district cost $30 million, meaning the additions to the stadium plan alone could have paid for over a third of the cost of a new stadium.

And in Green Bay?  Residents probably suggest that the school just sell shares of a “ownership stock” to pay for it all…

Youth Coach Fired for Playing 19-Year Old

Photo Credit: ©Kevin Stockwell, Pascoag, RI

Photo Credit: ©Kevin Stockwell, Pascoag, RI

The Capital City Buccaneers of the Rhode Island Preteen Football League (about 18 hours, 1 minute from the Dells) were booted from the league after their coach decided to try to sneak a player who was 19 years old (one of the actual player’s older brothers) onto the field. The league has teams with players ranging from 9 to 14–the game in question was for 13-14 year olds.

The Buccaneers had another team (maybe their younger team) and a cheer squad, which were also booted from the league for the rest of the year.

“He wasn’t thinking, and that’s all that he could tell me, was that he was not thinking,” team founder Alexandra Diaz said.

The Buccaneers can reapply to be a part of the league next year. According to Diaz, the coach responsible has been fired and the varsity team has been banned for the remainder of its season.

Three thoughts from all this:

    1. Football in Rhode Island suddenly seems way more serious than I would have expected…team founder? Cheer squad for youth teams? Varsity tied in? Almost sounds like soccer in the UK…
    2. It’s surprising this didn’t happen in a state that is generally considered a football hotbed, like Texas or Pennsylvania…or a state where there just isn’t that much else going on and they take football way more serious than they should (looking at you, Wisconsin)…
    3. Anyone seen the vastly underrated (difficult to do for a Rob Schneider/David Spade movie) Benchwarmers?


Truck Hauling Wine Crashes in Wisconsin; Driver Suspected of Being Drunk

Sadly, this one hardly even feels worthy of being put up–but in reading up more about Why Is Wisconsin So Drunk, came across this article, which just struck me as…typical.

On Saturday, September 17th, a semi truck was reported weaving all over the road & shoulder on I-94 just outside of Eau Claire, Wisconsin (just under 2 hours to the Dells). The truck crashed onto its side, and several motorists stopped and helped the driver, David A. Johnson of Grantsburg, Wisconsin (just under 4 hours to the Dells) out of the cab.

Johnson logically proceeded to run into a nearby field, where four people and a trooper apprehended him. He has a prior conviction for driving drunk.

Which makes you wonder how he got a gig driving a truck that was delivering wine, of all things…but maybe that’s just a part of Why Wisconsin is So Drunk.

Why is Wisconsin So Drunk?

In quasi-news that will undoubtedly please a significant percentage of the citizens of Wisconsin, someone in the /r/dataisbeautiful subreddit recently posted a map of the US & Canada with the top 3 Google Autocomplete searches for each state/province answering the question ‘Why is [state/province] so [blank]?’ and Wisconsin appears to be the only state that had ‘Drunk’ rank in the top 3.

To attempt simplify that for any readers who might be a little slow, users of Google type in ‘Why is Wisconsin so Drunk?’ as a question more frequently than any other ‘Why is Wisconsin so [blank]?’ question, with the exception of ‘Why is Wisconsin so Humid?’.

If you still don’t get it, just click the link above.

And to be fair, the question of humidity seems to show up in a significant number of states around the country. Coming up third?  ‘Why is Wisconsin so Cold?’

For comparison, Minnesota also had Cold and Humid (as their top two phrases), but had ‘Why is Minnesota so Great?’ as the third ranked question. And Illinois, possibly the only state that Wisconsites probably hate more than Minnesota?  Their top three were Broke, Flat and Democratic.

Police Arrest Couple for Child Neglect After Clown Prank

Police in Menasha, Wisconsin, arrested a 29-year old man and 26-year old woman for leaving their 4-year old daughter home alone, presumably while the child was asleep over night (that’s purely speculation on my part).

And why would they leave the child at home? To go clowning, of course.

Shortly before 3am on the morning of October 7th, Menasha police responded to a 911 call reporting that individuals in clown masks were chasing cars–because that’s apparently a thing.

The officers confronted two men, and also found the 26-year old woman nearby in a parked vehicle, having been driving the clowns around. No word on the size of the clown car.

The child was placed by the Department of Human Services outside of the home. The parents have been referred to court on charges of child neglect.